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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

$500 to Drop Your Towel

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel.   He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

Saturday, September 11, 2010

More Couples Humor

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work. 

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!" 

Lawyer Humor

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When: 

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. 

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." 

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. 

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. 

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." 

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." 

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. 

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..." 

Very Old Age

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. 

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

A Married Couple

Tom was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. 

He turned to his wife Linda, with a look of question on his face. 

"I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives." 

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Changing Times

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. 

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." 

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, 

"You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!" 

Monday, September 6, 2010

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead. 

- You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 

- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers. 

- You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 

- You disdain people who use low baud rates. 

- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 

- You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 

- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

- You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

- You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

- You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

- Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

- You back up your data every day.

- You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

- You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

- You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

- You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

- The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

- You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

- You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

- You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

- You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

- You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

- Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

- You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

- While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

- You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

- You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

-. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

- You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

- You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

- You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

- You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

- While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

-You are reading this from a screen.