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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mother-In-Law Funnies

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. 

I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law." 


I never forget a face, But in my mother-in-laws' case I'm willing to make an exception. 


She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste. 

He: Are you describing the wine or your mother? 


Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. 

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." 

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" 

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." 

Sunday, August 29, 2010


A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" 

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. 

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" 

"I did," admitted the youngster. 

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" 

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.