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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

$500 to Drop Your Towel

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel.   He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

Saturday, September 11, 2010

More Couples Humor

On a whim, a man decided to get his wife a dozen roses and surprise her after work. 

The minute he opened the door, his wife took one look at the flowers in his hand and started screaming, "This is the worst day that I have EVER had! The kids have been terrible. They got in a food fight, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement, I burned dinner, the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes...AND NOW YOU'VE GOT THE NERVE TO COME HOME DRUNK!" 

Lawyer Humor

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When: 

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. 

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. 

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." 

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. 

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. 

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. 

- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. 

- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." 

- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs." 

- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. 

- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..." 

Very Old Age

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. 

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

A Married Couple

Tom was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. 

He turned to his wife Linda, with a look of question on his face. 

"I'll never understand why the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives." 

His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Changing Times

A big mouth college student challenged a senior citizen saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his world. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. 

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers, the internet..." 

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior said, 

"You're right sonny . We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them!" 

Monday, September 6, 2010

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

- Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead. 

- You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 

- You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers. 

- You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 

- You disdain people who use low baud rates. 

- When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 

- You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 

- You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

- You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

- You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

- You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

- Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

- You back up your data every day.

- You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

- You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

- You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

- You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

- On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

- The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

- You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

- You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

- You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

- You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

- You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

- Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

- You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

- While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

- You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

- You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

-. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

- You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

- You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

- You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

- You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

- While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

-You are reading this from a screen.

Rattlesnake Farm

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler. 

"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" 

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." 

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. 

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." 

Sunday, September 5, 2010

You Might Be a Yankee If...

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 

2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! 

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 

4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 

5) You don't know what a moon pie is. 

6) You've never had grain alcohol. 

7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra. 

8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 

9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 

10) You have no idea what a polecat is. 

11) Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head. 

12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 

13) You don't have bangs. 

14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 

15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 

16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 

17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 

18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.

20) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

21) You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.

22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.

23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

25) You call binoculars opera glasses.

26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

27) You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.

28) You don't know what appliqued is.

29) Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.

30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)

31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

32) You've never been to a craft show.

33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

34) You can't do your laundry without quarters.

35) None of your fur coats are homemade. 

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The Church Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year- old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son." 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. 

"Sir, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. 

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. 

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. 

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

New Student

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. 

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" 

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. 

"Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. 

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" 

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." 

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." 

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." 

"Who said that?" she demanded. 

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Very Punny Stuff

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 

* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. 

* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Windows Problem

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. 

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. 

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" 

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." 

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" 

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" 

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" 

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Mother-In-Law Funnies

Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Air-bag. 

I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law." 


I never forget a face, But in my mother-in-laws' case I'm willing to make an exception. 


She: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste. 

He: Are you describing the wine or your mother? 


Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. 

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." 

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" 

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." 

Sunday, August 29, 2010


A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" 

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. 

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" 

"I did," admitted the youngster. 

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" 

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Invitation Replies To A Scientist's Ball

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.

Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.

Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.

Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.

Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.

Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.

Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

Newton planned to drop in.

Ohm resisted the idea.

Pavlov was drooling at the thought.

Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.

Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?

Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.

Volta was electrified, and Archemedes buoyant at the thought.

Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orwell could get a flight.